Family Troubles
by RMVthewriter
Summary: (SPOILERS FOR S8 EPISODE 5) With Jon's true parentage revealed, things have gotten awkward between Jon and Daenerys. At least, Jon thought so. Apparently, Daenerys wasn't too bothered. And what's this about Sansa? Crack!Fic


**Warning: This is based off a meme. Do not expect any character accurate portrayals, especially not from Daenerys. With that said, enjoy.**

* * *

Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen sat upon the Iron Throne, victorious. Her armies had invaded Westeros, helped defeat the Night King, and now helped give back the birthright that had been stolen from her so many years ago.

The Usurper was dead. His right hand man, Edward Stark, was dead. Tywin and Jaime Lannister we're dead. Just about anyone who had previously stood in the way of her royal bloodline was dead, and now she was the queen of their bodies.

The burning of King's Landing was what finally won her the Last War. Her entire council had been so worried every time she mentioned burning down the city, but in the end, Daenerys was Queen, and they would do what she asked of them.

As she sat on the throne, the Targaryen could actually see the city still smouldering in the distance. Most of the Red Keep has been knocked down by Drogon, meaning that the Throne Room had a much better view to the outside. In fact, the Throne Room, and the few areas adjacent to it, were just about the areas left standing in the Red Keep.

"I have a decree." Her voice was firm, resounding. It echoed out from her royal seat to encompass the minor lords and ladies that whispered worriedly to each other- the ones who'd managed to survive, that is. Tyrion was among these lords, and just as worried.

"What is it, my Queen?" Her Hand asked delicately. Just to add some tension to the room, Daenerys stayed silent for a long moment, and the rest of the nobles were forced to do the same.

"…My first decree as Queen of the Seven Kingdoms," She finally continued. "Is that Jon Snow must be my lover again and stop acting all weird and stuff."

The room was deadly silent. Nobody was sure how to process the information they had just been given. The only thing able to break the silence was the "Uh, whut?" of a familiar Northern accent from the crowd. To this response, though, the Queen simply waited expectantly on her spiked Throne.

"C- Could you repeat that? I don't think I quite heard you right." Tyrion requested, a flabbergasted look on his face.

"Of course." Daenerys allowed. "'Jon Snow must be my lover again and stop acting all weird and stuff.'"

"Yes, that's about what I heard the first time…" The Hand of the Queen affirmed, unsure what exactly to do in this situation. "Uh… Jon! Can you get over here, please!" The dwarf of Casterly Rock called out the Northman, as was his rightful duty. "And, Umm… The rest of you better leave." He addressed the remaining nobles, who took no time at all to vacate the premises. Soon enough, only Daenerys, Jon, and Tyrion stood in the throne room.

"Jon, my love!" The Queen cried long after Jon had entered her sight. "You haven't been hiding amongst the crowds in an effort to avoid me, have you?"

"O- Of course not, my queen." The Warden of the North lied through his teeth. Whether or not Daenerys actually believed him, she didn't seem to say.

"Oh _yes_, _baby_." The Targaryen squirmed in her seat. "Call me Queen again." She demanded.

"My queen?" She squirmed again, a look of joy on her face, while Jon was still confused. "Are you getting off to this?!" He questioned incredulously. The silver haired woman stopped moving and gave him a guilty, but playful look.

"Maybe…"

"Whu- I've called you 'Queen' before! You didn't act like this _then_." Jon pointed out, but Daenerys didn't flinch.

"Well, I wasn't Queen of the Seven Kingdoms when you called me queen before. Now, it's just _right_." Jon paled at her words.

"I feel uncomfortable." He admitted aloud.

"_I_ can make you feel better." The Dragon Queen responded in a flirtatious voice, making Jon pale even more.

"My Q- Your Grace," The Northerner corrected. "while I appreciate your interest, I'm afraid I cannot fulfill your decree."

"And why not?" She asked innocently. Jon's face grew incredulous and he looked around as if to find any other person who agreed with him. Tyrion simply looked the other way.

"Why?! Because you're my _aunt_!"

"Well, why does that matter?"

"Whu- I- Because it's _incest_!" To this, Daenerys raised an eyebrow, confused.

"I'm still not seeing the problem here." The Queen stated, furrowing her eyebrows together- as if to suggest she was legitimately thinking in what could possibly be the problem.

"_Incest_! Is wrong!" He stated as plainly as possible. Daenerys didn't seem to understand.

"No it's not, silly. Targaryens do it all the time." She rationalized.

"And they went mad! Like y-ou…" The Warden of the North falter in his claim, not realizing his mistake until it was barrowling out of his mouth. "I… I have some business to attend to! Excuse me, your grace." And with that, the secret Targaryen fled the Throne Room.

The Queen's face grew frosty and she turned to Tyrion. "My hand, I told you that if you failed me again, I would kill you. Well, now is your chance to prove yourself to me. Convince Jon Snow to be mine, or you shall _die_."

"Right…" The Lannister reluctantly accepted his duty. "As you command." The dwarf walked after his longtime acquaintance, leaving the crazy Queen to her imagination.

* * *

"No." Jon delivered Tyrion's death sentence without mercy.

"But-" The Hand of the Queen took a deep breath, trying to ignore the impending doom. "-You _need_ to." The Northerner scoffed.

"I don't _need _to have sex with my aunt, Tyrion. Don't be ridiculous."

"Yes you do! Don't you see? The Targaryen madness has finally claimed her. I regret to say it but… Varys was right." Tyrion stopped for a moment of a silence for his former friend. "She _burned _King's Landing to the ground- After it had surrendered! If you don't- you know- _do her_, I fear for the sake of the realm."

"Tyrion Lannister." Jon declared, summoning that 'King of be North' seriousness within him. "I may not be Eddard Stark's son, but I was raised to be just as honorable as him. _He_ would not participate in any kind of incest with his aunt, so neither will I."

"Yes, you _are _like Ned Stark. And like Ned Stark, your honor will ruin you! He did not know how to deal with the truth about Joffrey except by exposing it, and he died for his mistake. Now, Daenerys may not kill you, but I am positive that many others will die if you do not accept her once again. You 'did the dance' with her once before, why not do it again?"

"_Because_, she wasn't my _aunt_ before!"

"People like to roleplay. Some people find your situation to be a turn on." Tyrion offered with a bit of humor. Jon did not entertain the joke.

"Do I look like someone with an 'incest kink' to you?" The former Bastard was speaking entirely reasonably right now, but the Lannister couldn't help but get exasperated.

"Why can't you just take one for the realm and bang your crazy aunt?!" He lashed out.

"No." The Warden of the North responded just as cold as ever. Tyrion, at last, sighed in defeat.

"Well, you can't stay here unless you plan on getting handsy with your Queen, and I can't stay here unless I plan on losing my head, so… where shall we run off to?"

"That depends." Jon considered. "How far do you think she'll go to have me?"

"Oh, her entire army will be hunting for you. No doubt."

"Then we should head north. If anyone can protect us from Daenerys, it'd be Sansa." The true heir to the Iron Throne plotted.

"Then the North is where we shall go." The last remaining Lannister agreed.

* * *

As expected, the Mad Queen raised an army to hunt down Jon the minute she realized he was no longer in King's Landing. Once more, armies of Dothraki and Unsullied marched up North; this time, in pursuit of a far… _less _noble goal.

Being that they were two men on a mission, however, the dynamic duo arrived to Winterfell with a decent distance between themselves and the Daenerys' army. Not faster than the news, though, as by the time they made it to Jon's old home, the bannermen of the North had already been assembled- Most likely by Sansa's request.

The Stark woman in question met them at the castle's gait before they could even enter.

"Hello, Jon. It seems you once again bring trouble from the south." Sansa commented without emotion, making Jon cringe.

"Right… Sorry about that." Jon apologized meekly, but soon got serious. "It's a good thing you've assembled the bannermen already. We'll need them to beat back the Queen's forces. They'll be arriving soon. We should have a squadron of men on that hill there and-"

"There won't be a fight, Jon." Sansa continued in her cold voice.

"What do you mean?" Tyrion questioned.

"Not unless, you do something for me." The Lady of Winterfell explained. "See, Jon. I _told you_ not to trust her, not to work with her, but… You did anyway. Crushing the Dragon Queen is all well and good, but I'll need more than just an apology for your mistrust of me."

"_Mistrust_? Aren't you forgetting that _you_ are the one who spilled the secret of my birth to Tyrion, who told everyone else?" Jon pointed out.

"That's neither here nor there." Sansa dismissed. "I need you to do something for me or the North will not fight."

"I feel like I'm being strong armed here…" The dark haired Targaryen muttered, shaking his head. "Fine. Whutta you want so damn badly?"

"If I am to take on the a Targaryen, I'll need a proper claim to the throne. I need you to marry me, Jon." The daughter of Eddard Stark demanded casually.

"Whu- No! I'm not going to marry you, Sansa! That's incest!" Jon Snow immediately responded, causing Sansa to frown while Tyrion sighed.

"We're not siblings anymore, Jon." She pointed out.

"We're still cousins!" He pointed out in return

"Well that's fine."

"No! No it's not!" Jon's head fell into his hands. "Why does this keep happening to me…?"

"Oh, don't be like that, Jon. A little incest never hurt anybody." The Lady said as if she was scolding a child.

"That's just blatantly untrue!" He rejected the notion

"Well, it never hurt _me_." She tried instead.

"_You_ were beaten by Joffrey." Jon instantly pointed out.

"Well, it never hurt me within the past couple of days." She tried instead.

"This is madness." Jon finally decided. "I'll entertain this conversation no longer." And once again, the secret Targaryen walked away. Tyrion still stood at the gait, however, looking hopefully to Sansa.

"My dear, former wife. Would I be allowed to stay in Winterfell?" The dwarf asked politely.

"I don't know. Can you convince Jon to marry me?" Sansa rebutted without emotion.

"Right…" The man who knew things sighed, then walked after Jon.

What else was a man to do?

* * *

"So wait. You're telling me that you didn't fuck either woman?" Tormund gasped at Jon's story.

"No! They were both related to me. Do the Wildlings not have a concept of incest? Craster being the obvious outlier." Jon inquired as he sipped the hard mead his friend had poured them.

"Not really," The Giant's Bane got up from his spot on the ground to take a piss in the snow nearby. "Us free folk just sort of fuck who we want and leave it at that. There's kinda a thing about not fucking your parents, but most people don't even know their parents, so it's luck of the draw really." Tyrion groaned, unused to dealing with an alcoholic beverage he couldn't take.

"I absolutely _hate _this side of the Wall. Why does it have to be so cold all the time?" The Lannister official declared.

"Aye. I must admit, I prefer the other side of the Wall as well." The former Night's Watch member confessed.

"Oh, _you_ prefer the other side? Well at least you had a damn choice in the matter." Tyrion continued to complain before looking around the camp they sat at aimlessly. "Are there no books around here? Did we forget to bring books?"

"The hell's a book?" Tormund unknowingly answered the dwarf's question.

"Sorry, Tyrion." Jon apologized.

"I hate you, Jon Snow."

* * *

**So as I said, this was a joke made in response to Jon's reaction to the realization that Daenerys is his aunt in the final season of the show. If we're all being honest here, though, Jon's the reason King's Landing was burnt to the ground. If he just took one for the team and banged his aunt, she would have never gone crazy!**

**Well, it's too late now. But at least he gets to spend the remainder of his days with Tormund and Tyrion, two of the most interesting conversationalists in Westeros. **

**Hopefully you got some laughs out of this, and until next time,**

**-RMV**

**Oh, and another thing. If you're looking for an actual Game of Thrones story to reader, I recommend Rhaegar's Rebellion by my friend Moradhel. It's based in the book universe, but takes place before the show anyway, so there isn't much difference.**


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